Do you ever look back on a time where you literally could’ve died?

Sure, we all do, right? To think of how grateful we are for still living and being able to still be there for our family and friends.

Right now is one of those times for me except I can’t bring myself to be depressed about it. It’s kind of funny and kind of sad because I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing when it happened.

This was a year-year and a half ago and I was driving to school. I made it to school alright and everything, parked, went into the building and just roamed around. While roaming around I ran into my guidance counselor and he asked me why I wasn’t in class and I told him that I didn’t want to go to math class. He’s actually a really awesome guy, okay, so what he did was he gave me a pass to go to the library until the next bell rang. So I did that and then I sat down in the library and what happened next was one of the librarian’s came to me and asked me what I was doing and why I wasn’t in class. I showed her my pass, but she sent me to student services anyways and they were going to give me a detention or something, I don’t remember.

So when I got to student services and I told them what was going on they thought I was high (which is laughable to me now, but it isn’t really to anyone else and you’ll see why). I was all disoriented and stuff, so they thought I was high, which is an obvious conclusion, so they sent me to one of the VP’s office’s. I sat down in his office and BAM! Had a seizure after a few minutes in there or something, I really don’t and can’t remember.

So, yeah. Does anyone remember that pretty depressing post I made a few days ago? If not that’s okay because that’s basically what I was all depressed about. I have epilepsy. And it kind of depresses me sometimes because I don’t want to have it, obviously.

But the point of that story was that I could’ve easily died if I had that seizure a half an hour or so earlier.  I would be dead.

And that’s something I can’t really believe and something that doesn’t really phase me because I wasn’t even mentally aware of what was going on since I never know when I’m going to have a seizure. I can recognize the signs, but I never put two and two together and figure out that “hey, maybe I should tell someone” or “hey, maybe I should get on the floor so I don’t fall out of this chair or collapse onto the ground”. It doesn’t work like that for me for some reason and if I could do anything about this situation, it would be to change that. Some people can tell when they’re about to have a seizure. I can’t. It mostly has to do with the fact that I always (except for one time) have seizures in the morning, so I wake up in a foggy state of mind. I’m all chill and think everything’s fine. Or maybe sometimes I don’t. Maybe sometimes I know something is wrong, but I’ve been raised to go on through the day anyways.

So, yeah. I guess that’s it. That’s the reason I wasn’t allowed to drive to school for the most of senior year. The law is if you’re seizure free for six months you’re allowed to drive. The periods of time that I’m seizure free are short and don’t last long; a few months at most. I’ve never been a year seizure free, unfortunately.

Now I was supposed to be able to bring my car up this semester but had a stroke of bad luck. On January 8th, the day I was going to come back to Orlando, I had a partial seizure. It was the first one of those I had (usually I only have grand mals) so it was worry-some. I didn’t drive back up. My mom drove me here, which from home is a 2 1/2 hour trip, and she drove back home by herself in one day. That’s a pretty exhausting trip. Who wants to be driving for 5 hours?? I don’t drive much and I don’t even want to drive that long!

But, yeah, I could go on and on forever, but I’ll just end it here because WOW, this got really long. If you were able to read all that then I applaud you, haha.